It's a scenario that has reared its
ugly head at one point or another in every homeschooling family's
life..
We all have that one “friend” or
family member who has their opinion of homeschooling and is quick to
share it with you. We've all heard the unsubstantiated remarks about
socialization, lower test scores, lack of accountability and even the
snide comments about our own educational level as a parent.
But those aren't the comments I'm
talking about today. Instead, I would like to talk about the
comments that come from the people we least expect it from – the
people who are suppose to be (and for the most part are) on our side.
The ones who say they are 100% on board with the idea of
homeschooling but inadvertently turn around and say something that
cuts deeper than anything your brother in law's wife could have said
behind your back. Today's writing isn't so much for you, the
homeschooling teacher, but for those family members.
Why did you say that?
I have a wonderful husband. Two years
ago, when we were told that the school on base could not accommodate
my son and would have to send him to a school 30 miles off base, my
husband agreed that educating Garrett in our own home would be
optimal. I admit, I'm not a special needs teacher and I have
absolutely no formal instruction in educating kids. However, we both
agreed that I knew my son best and would have a better idea of how to
engage him and educate him. My husband was also on board when it
came time to send our youngest to public schools and instead decided
to keep her home and let the two learn together.
So imagine my surprise when the other
day, overhearing a conversation between him and his parents on the
phone, I heard him tell his father that we would most likely be
putting the kids in public schools soon.
WHAT?
This was news to me. I didn't get that
memo obviously, because as far as I knew, I had absolutely no plans
of putting my kids into the public system.
At first, I was hurt by his comments.
Did he lose faith in my ability to teach our children? Did he think
I was doing a poor job?
Finally a few days later, I sat and I
asked him about it (of course, after I huffed and sighed and had him
ask me 100 times “Whats wrong” only for me to reply “Nothing!”).
What was his reasoning in saying something like that?
His answer : “I know that eventually
you're going to put them into public schools because you're not
prepared to teach them higher level maths”.
My husband was going to sell me out
over Trigonometry and Calculus.
What you say can hurt
When it comes to
these types of comments, a spouse or family member might think their
comments are with good intentions and not realize how much their
comments can hurt us, especially a mom who is new to homeschooling
who is struggling to find her niche. We're at a point where we are
questioning everything: Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Is
science and history really important in the lower elementary years?
We are already
questioning every little move we make so when a well intentioned
family member makes a comment or asks a question that taps into our
already growing lack of confidence in what we are doing, it sends us
into a tailspin of self doubt and emotional sabotage. Suddenly we're
sitting there questioning if what we are doing is the best decision
for our children or if maybe public schools are the better choice.
It's one thing to have Snooty PTA Mom Suzi to say that lack of
socialization due to homeschooling will cause our children to become
hardened serial killers: it might bug us but we're not really going
to take it to heart. It's a completely different situation when it's
our spouse, friend or family member who's opinion we hold in high
regards.
What not to say
How will you
teach higher level subjects (math/science) when you did not take
those types of classes yourself?
This is probably the easiest question to answer my husband when we
had this discussion.. Simply put: I probably won't. I know my
limitations. I hated higher math in school. I got as far as Algebra
2 and that was it for me. However, the local community colleges are
more than happy to let me hand over my credit card to allow my home
schooled child to attend a class on Trigonometry or Calculus if they
get to that point. There are also plenty of educational websites
that for a monthly fee, claim they can teach my children higher math
concepts. However, right now my kids are in 1st grade and
are working on 10+X=24 which I can handle just fine. Plus, we are
never too old to learn ourselves. There are plenty of things I failed
to learn in my years of school that I'm learning right along side
with my kids so who knows, maybe I'll also learn Trigonometry as
well.
Don't you feel the children are missing out on socialization with
other kids their own age?
Socialization seems to be the go to argument for everything. We're so
obsessed with socialization: even our dogs have to be taken out for
play dates for socialization! My daughter has been in public
schools since Kindergarten and before that she attended day care and
so I have had the opportunity to observe this “all important”
socialization. It's not all its cracked up to be. My daughter gets to
sit around with

her friends and discuss “hot guys”, listen to
music that is sexually explicit, get teased by teenage boys in
regards to her breast size, and only gets a C in Algebra because she
can't hear the teacher over all the kids running their mouths during
class time. This is dependent on whether or not they have a phone in school - if they have a phone, socialization is nothing more than talking about those subjects via text messages and social media. If anything, my daughters education is not enhanced but
instead suffers because of “socialization”. School should be a
place of learning. There are plenty of opportunities outside of the
learning situation for kids to make friends and interact with others
(church youth groups, homeschooling groups, ect).
They won’t get to do
extra-curricular activities.
Someone is always
going to bring this one up. Maybe Dad was the quarterback on the high
school football team and has dreams of reliving his youth through his
son. You're sister was in the band and believes that playing an
instrument is an important skill. Guess what? Just about anything a
school who attends public schools participates in, my children can
also participate in. Not only that, but my kids have the
opportunities to participate in even more electives then what most
public schools offer. My kids can take art classes, music classes,
and instrument lessons just like any other kids: my son is learning
to play the bagpipes for example. Sports such as football, soccer,
and baseball are offered at local YMCAs and youth recreation
programs. Homeschooled kids are at dance recitals and baseball
practice right along side public schooled children every day and
homeschooling moms and dads are rushing from one activity to another
just like the PTA moms.
They’ll never learn to compare
themselves to their peers
And what is the
problem with this? Lets face it, kids don't sit with each other
comparing how many hours they studied, how many novels they read last
month or what enrichment programs they are interested in. Instead,
they listen to each other insulting, bullying and belittling others
based on their weight, looks and clothing. They are talking about
who's the best kisser, who's lost their virginity and who the class
prude is. Kids are developing eating disorders and committing suicide
over these “comparisons”. I would much rather my children learn
a healthy dose of self-confidence to help them as they grow into
adulthood. I would rather my children learn that failure is a
stepping stone for success – that it is okay to try something and
fail and then try again until you learn and succeed. I also want my
kids to know that here in our learning environment, they are safe
from ridicule if they do fail. They then learn the self confidence
they will need later in life to not be afraid of failure and continue
on until they achieve their final goal. Public schools have
eliminated any idea of healthy competition anyway. Thanks go the
“Everyone’s a winner” mentality, children don't learn the
rewards of hard work in order to take top price. They learn at an
early age that even if you put in minimal effort, you still get
recognition.
They can’t graduate from home
school. How will they get into a college without a diploma?
Yes,
they can.. And yes, they will. Yes, it's a time consuming project for
the homeschooling parent but each class we teach our kids at the high
school level translates to high school credits on a transcript. Once
my kids complete a course of study that both the state and I feel is
equivalent to what the graduating seniors at the public school have
accomplished, then I will issue them a diploma. I'll even let them
pick out whatever colors for a cap and gown and we will have senior
pictures taken for the wall. Also, many colleges and universities allow high school students to take one or two college courses per semester to go towards both high school credits and college credits.
What you DON'T
say also hurts
Finally, a point I should make is that sometimes its not what someone
says but what they don't say that hurts. When I put my heart into
teaching my children and my spouse shows little to no interest in
what we have done, it hurts. The slight might not have been meant
but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Add that to the fact that I'm
one of those who needs affirmation of some sort from my husband and
this creates a problem. I want/need to hear my husband say I'm doing
a great job with the kids, that he feels that the education I am
providing for them is at least adequate (preferably more than
adequate) in his eyes. There are days I feel like I'm putting the
kids on display (Hey Ash, tell daddy what the colors on the flag
represent! Garrett, tell Daddy what the capital of Brazil is!) only
to have little response as far as those needed words of affirmation
go. This is disheartening to the homeschooling parent. However, I
know that my kids know more about a large variety of subjects then
their public school peers (they even know more some topics then my
public school taught 10th grader, who cannot tell you
where the state of New York is on the map). I plan on keeping it that
way. So my affirmation will come not in the words I'm not hearing
right now but will come in the form of two young adults who will be
well rounded, well educated and hopefully successful in the real
world.
But just in case you are a loved one of a homeschooling parent –
try to make a point of telling them they are doing a good job and ask
the kids what they learned today. Those two simple things can make a
world of difference.