This is part 2 of the letter I received from my father who is currently incarcerated for being a pedophile. If you missed part one of this letter, it can be found here.
Again, I am publishing this because I feel it gives much insight into the mind of a child molester. The justifications, the excuses and the thought process that occurs within them.
What constitutes the manner in how to evaluate an idea or action is a learned reflex. From birth, our minds have been continuously collecting, sorting and filing data. When faced with a situation, the brain sifts through those files and arrives at a judgement base solely on the experience of your personal life. Once when I was a pre-teen, my mother had me try some liver. It tasted like crap and that bit of information was filed and remained ready for analysis and decision. To this date, I have never eaten liver again.
Sometimes we need not even have a firsthand knowledge of a matter, in order to render judgement. These are the concepts that have been spoonfed to us by parents, teachers, clergy, peers and society in general. "Look both ways before crossing a street." We do it automatically because it was drummed into our heads as children. There are scholars who believe that few humans are capable of producing an "original thought". That everything we think is just a regurgitation of others teachings.
Let us do a quick recap before moving into darker areas:
1. This body we are living in is not God made. Your mommy and daddy copulated and that joining created your earthly body.
2. Your soul dwells inside this body and is basically just along for the experience of being human.
3. At death, the body will rot and turn to dirt, while the soul returns to the Creator.
4. We inherit traits, characteristics and good and bad genes from long dead ancestors.
5. One does not become an alcoholic, drug addict, pedophile, or any other undesirable trait. You are born with the gene. It's just the luck of the draw as to if the condition activates.
6. Most of us grow to become somewhat copies of our parents, as far as our religious beliefs and how we view most of the world.
7. Passing judgement on others is wrong. Remember "One needs to walk a mile in another's shoes" before we can have any idea of what's going on in that person's life and why they may behave this way or that way.
I have no written on this, but i would be neglectful of my duties as your host if I didn't mention this very important fact. Nothing happens that god does not allow to happen. There is no good or bad, left or right, or sin in the eyes of God. There is only the experience. Man punishes, God Loves. This is an important concept and surely a thorn in the ass of many of the world's religions.
I am going to leave alone the poor alcoholics, the stressed out druggies, the broke gamblers and all the other folks who find it impossible to cope with life without their vice. Being that this is my creation and my vice is pedophilia, it makes sense for me to write on what I know. This is a bit nerve wrecking as the subject is high voltage taboo. Several times I have tried to write this and it turned to more like porn than much else. It is hard to write on a sexual matter like this. To me it is natural. To others it is a big problem. Be warned that from this point on, things could get way out in left field. Reader Beware! Now what I don't want to do is lose my reader because of the wording of a sentence. When writing on a subject that brings one pleasure, it's easy to get lost in the memories and the wanting to share the experience.
Let's suppose that your in the mood to buy a new car. So you go out and look around on the lots. Maybe you go right by 1000 cars without paying them any attention. Then, one will catch your eye. Why that one? The color, body style, size. Like most of the things we purchase in life, we don't really know why. You just like that one car, or suit, or even a house. What is so wrong with the first thousand autos you passed up?
Think back to the time when you first met the love of your life. More than likely, you didn't have to spend time falling in love. There was something about that person that made them stand out ahead of all others. My wife is my greatest gift from God. If you asked me just what it is about her that I love so much, I would have a hard time picking one or two things. I can't say its this or that. It's the whole package. I don't know what it is, I just know that she is my love.
Whats all this got to do with this story of mine? well, quite a lot really.
Why would a grown man see a ten year old girl and see her as a sexually attractive person? I don't know why, but often I do. I didn't teach myself to view young girls in a sexual manner. You either do or you don't. Believe me, my life would have been a million times more simpler if this was not the case. In the past, when I was going through my Christian era, I begged God to take this curse. The response I finally learned was to "Deal With It."
I tried so very hard to do just that. My thinking was if I just ignore the thoughts and desires, they will in time go away. Not a chance! It's like trying to change my eye color of blue to green just by not accepting the blue. So, the solution was not going to be ridding myself of the mental stigma but rather to learn to live with it. Sounds good but not exactly like learning to live with a wart on my ass.
The human brain is an extremely complicated organ. Self preservation is always the main priority. What that means to me is that I have found ways to feel good about me. So what if I like little girls in a sexual way. It's not like I am out of control and would drag little Suzie into the bushes. Do you jump behind the wheel of every car you see and like and take it for a spin? Of course not. Not all pedophiles are rapists. I can admire a new Corvette going down the road just as I can admire a pretty little girl at the mall.
well, if i am so damn smart, why am I rotting away in a prison cell? Okay, that's a good question. the answer is that I have not always been so smart. Prison, if nothing else, is a place for pondering. In nearly twelve years, I have surely had ample time to ponder many things. Why I am like this and what do I do next with it. Again, just give me time and I will get back to these quandaries.
This may be a good time to toss in a very brief bio on my childhood. When I was of the age of 6-7-8 maybe 9, I had two passions. One was to rid the neighborhood of renegade Indians. the other was to study the female anatomy. I had two female cousins that lived two houses down. Messing with them was alot more fun than shooting Indians. All was well for Dr Bryan, who specialized in pelvic exams. Then at about 9, both girls found God at the Pentecost Church. That put an abrupt halt to my medical practice.
Nothing worth making any special note happened as I attended Jr High and High School. I dropped out in the 10th grade and joined the Marines. This was in 1967 and Vietnam was going strong. See, I told you I was not very smart. In 1969 I was sent to the hot jungles of that awful country. The main point I wish to make is that I was now 20 years old and never had sexual thoughts about little girls. It was not until I had returned to the States and a couple of years had passed that I began to see them in a different light. I am not blaming Vietnam, only saying that the war was the most traumatic event of my life and the scars do run deep. I don't know if PTSD could have cause pedophilia but I am sure it didn't help.
Allow me to interject something here. At no time am I looking for anything or anyone to cast blame on. I am one hundred percent responsible for me and my actions. So as you read and it may seem like I am shifting blame to another, I am not. I used the word "Blame" but as I have already stated, blame is a man made word and holds no court in God's cosmos. It is what it is. Nothing more.
Okay, so this really follows no particular pattern. I just write what I feel like writing. If I jump around from one day to the next, I only hope it is easily followed.
Let me write for a while on the Bible. I have no intent on putting down anyone's beliefs so don't feel as if I am. People are normally right where they are suppose to be. Enlightenment does not come from the reading of dogma or the attending of a building where like minded folks gather. The channel between your soul and the Creator are always open. The problem is getting your flash and blood body to get involved. this is an inner trip and not an easy trek. Talking to God is easy. You need only to think. Hearing God is the hard part for it means we have to shut up, clear our minds of all the mental traffic and then just listen. Sounds fine until you get to that part about stopping the brain from doing what it does best - thinking.
Oh yeah, I was writing about the Bible. Well, many believe it's God's Word to the world. Well, if you are a Christian. There are plenty of other religions on this planet who have their own Holy Book.
Okay, "In the Beginning" there was no paper, pencils, papyrus, much less a language. The story has it that God took a bunch of dirt, formed a man and gave it life. Now this "Man" and later his "Woman" are responsible for populating the planet. Well, until the flood, which killed everything except for Noah, his family and all those animals. Then it was up to that clan to get busy and start us off again. Well, they did a good job, as this planet went from those eight or so folks to almost eight billion at last count. You buy that? How about the dude Jonah getting swallowed by a big fish, living in there for three days and then getting puked up on a beach unharmed?
Scholars are unsure of just how far back in the Earth's history all this was suppose to have been going on. Some say 4000 BC. Some 10,000 BC. Well, let me see here. God formed the Heavens and the Earth and began life with Adam and Eve. Noah and his crew came along later. If Adam was God's first living creation on the planet Earth, what about those nasty creatures called dinosaurs? They roamed around some 260 million years ago.
I could just keep going, but I am not wanting to be an ass. I just wanted to give the readers a small idea of why I moved away from the teachings of the Bible. The biggest problem I have with most mainstream religion is the idea that God says "Don't screw up or I will burn your dead ass up in the fires of hell". What kind of father would put a candy bar in front of a child then tell him to resist eating it. Let me answer that. An Asshole. The God that loves me, does not play such silly games with me. Bryan has done a lot of screwing up in his 65 years. All the flaws that are part of what makes me, me, will die and rot away. The real "me", my soul, will return to the creator, pedophile and all, but surely a bit wiser.
It may seem I have drifted far off topic. However, how I think and feel about life, love and God are of most important. I have a fondness of writing and a part of me would like to leave something behind that others can read and, just maybe gain a little deeper understanding of who I am. Like everyone else on the planet, I am not just this or that.